knowing my boundaries

today i'm grateful for knowing my boundaries and being in a relationship that has taught me what they are and what i'm willing to compromise on that still allows me to feel loved, safe & secure.

i know i still have work to do to learn to let that happen in a way that doesn't make me feel taken advantage of and like i'm just getting the crumbs but i have to learn if i want to be in this relationship. and i have to have a partner that wants to love me and hear me and protect me and reassure me that *i* am the partner that she wants every day of her life regardless of what else there is.

adjustments in approach

I've read 2 things in the last 24h that have awaken in me the possibility that adjusting my approach to life and relationship has the possibility of bringing me more joy and love than ever imagined.

"As we become more and more willing to let go of what is negative and destructive in our lives, we begin to find that we have the strength and courage to do what we need to grow in a positive direction. Grow in who you are."

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

I know how those affect my life and my approach my current struggle/situation. I'll leave them there without explanation so you can make your own assessments for your life.

so today i'm grateful for . . . being open to the knowledge and enlightenment that the universe presents you with to get you through the hard times and build a foundation for better times

the small stuff

have been thinking a lot about the small stuff and how to be grateful for it on a daily basis. i've realized that i can plan all i want about how i want my life to be but that i really need to learn to let go of the *planning* and be more focused on the the good parts of my life rather than on the things i'd rather be different. all things being equal, my life's pretty fucking amazing and i have an amazing partner and relationship that is incredibly fulfilling. sure there are things that could be better but if i can focus on the good and the goal of a stronger relationship then it will be easier to work towards making them what i'd like them to be rather than how i don't want them to be.

so today i'm grateful for . . . the small moments i get to share with my family and the woman i love

so i know it's kinda ridiculous but . . .

life's been a little nuts. we've spent that last few months settling into the new house and doing some improvements. we're finally getting the yard to where we'd like it and even had a housewarming party a few weekends ago. work's been absolutely nuts and i have a *huge* project going live one week from today. yeah, i know ... and we're still scramblin' to get it done.

this past week we went to tampa for my mom's big 50th birthday celebration. mac got to meet the whole fam damily! as expected, they loved her and she seemed to come out unscathed. it was very nice to be able to show her where i grew up and what schools i went to and have her experience my grandmother's cooking. i think she's got the full picture now and still seems to want to stick around. yay! i get to go meet her mom in a few weeks and we're hoping it goes as well.

we hit our 1 yr anniversary last week before we left. i can't believe it's been that long and it also seems ridiculously short given all that's happened in the last year. i could never have predicted that we'd be where we are today back then but i guess that's part of the good stuff. it took us both totally by surprise and it's been a very nice ride so far.

the house still sits on the market. i'm about to pull it off & rent it. i need to start making the $$ stretch a bit more and just can't afford to have it sit empty any longer. anyone know of someone looking to rent a cute house send 'em my way pls.

so today i'm thankful for . . . an amazing year with an amazing woman and a great life to boot

kitchen update . . .

so the kitchen is coming along nicely. here are some new pics of the work. the pass through has been completed and just needs trim and the drywall is up where the new cabinets will go. the contractor has run the wiring for the new lights and appliances. i can't believe how quickly so much has gotten done. the cabinets go in tomorrow and then it's gonna start looking real. they come to make the template for the counters on thursday am.



mac and i had a nice weekend. friday my office closed early for the easter holiday so i picked up my taxes and ran some errands. also got the good news that the girl who was interested in my car wanted to buy it. she'll be picking it up today. yay! that takes a weight off of me and puts some cash back in my bank account. phew! i ran by rei to use my dividend on travel stuff and then picked mac up at work for an ikea date. we got a few things for the house and then went home to make dinner. saturday i took her to work and then went home to get some work done on the office. i packed up my computer and spackled some holes in the wall so we can paint . . . or rather she can paint while i'm gone. saturday night we had a date to go see some roller derby. we ran into erock oslama and sat on the floor close to the action. was loads of fun but i'll definitely bring something to sit on next time! we went back to my place afterwards so she could see all the work that had been done and we took a soak in the hot tub. was nice to relax after a crazy week.

sunday am we had the opportunity to sleep in and then made breakfast at home before heading to my place to meet up with sarah to do more electrical work at my house. mac starting painting the trim in the bedroom and then we ran by the store to get munchies before hosting the girls for the last 3 episodes of the l word. last night was the season finale and we had a marathon viewing session. was fun. we finally fell into bed around 130a after cleaning up the kitchen and taking the dogs for a much-needed spin around the block.

woke up this morning rather anxious as the countdown is now down to a week to my departure. so much to do, so little time.

so today i'm thankful for . . . the good fortune i have with a great lover, good friends, and a bright future

update . . .

so last night i met up with my lil bro ryan at the mash tun. it'd been ages since i'd been in so it was nice to catch up and hang at the old bar. we enjoyed some concordia cream ales and had dinner. he's coming over on saturday to buy my kegerator. sadly, i'm getting rid of it because it's just taunting me now that i really shouldn't be drinking beer anymore. i know .... it sucks but it was fun while it lasted.

got home around 930 and set up the cable box and made some granola. i found some gluten-free rolled oats with my food club so it was nice to make it again. mac got home around 1030 after a shopping spree at kohl's with her friend. she found some great towels & accessories for my bathroom now that it's got a whole new color scheme (thanks to her painting it, of course). she found some great stuff for a great deal. we sat and had a cup of tea before turning in for the night.

today i had lunch with ames. we hadn't had a chance to catch up in a few weeks and it was nice to get out of the office. we headed to henry's for the usual (sharing a wedge salad and a sandwich). we have been planning our trip to europe and are looking forward to the wild times i'm sure will happen in amsterdam. yay!

work is busy but good. have my first site launch on the friday before i leave for 3 wks vacation. yikes! i really am enjoying the folks i work with as well as the clients. i'm glad i made the jump. definitely feels like the right choice.

so today i'm thankful for . . . good friends and good co-workers

the kitchen remodel has begun . . .

so the kitchen remodel officially started today. the contractor is there as we speak tearing out the cabinets & the floors. we had the floor installer come by on saturday am to measure and give us a quote. the cabinet installer comes tomorrow to do the same. the floors have been picked out, the cabinets have been chosen, and the countertops have been ordered. we've got the sink and range purchased and the lighting selected (with some purchased). i need to pick a range vent/fan and order the floors. at some point soon i'll go buy the dishwasher from lowe's but we're a ways out from that.

mac & i spent the weekend packing up my kitchen and getting her house ready for suki and i to descend upon. it's been fun and exhausting. yesterday was our 6 month anniversary and also the first night i'd *moved in*. it was nice serendipity that timing worked out that way. i brought some kitchen stuff over and packed other stuff away for revisiting later. we're planning a yard sale the weekend of march 22nd to get rid of some big stuff as we start to consolidate households. it's fun to plan a home together.

of course adding to all of this stress is that i leave for 3 weeks in, well, 3 weeks. i'm mildly relieved that i won't have to be here to witness/live through the mess but wish i could watch the transformation and feel bad that i'm leaving mac to deal with it all ... but i guess as a designer it's her forté to oversee a project without the client around. am starting to get excited about the trip (although i do wish the timing was better) and finally booked my hotel in rome over the weekend. it was the last straggling part of the itinerary i hadn't handled so i'm relieved i finally did.

work is good. am starting to settle in and am getting excited about my first site launching in late march . . . right before i leave of course. isn't that always the way? speaking of work, it's almost time to head out so i should get a few things wrapped up before i head home to see the house.

i'll post pics when i can so y'all can follow the progress with me.

today i'm thankful for . . . 6 months with an amazing woman who's willing to design my kitchen and put some sweat equity in

the most wonderful feeling . . .

last night was, by far, the most wonderful valentine's day ever! after a long day at work, i ran home to get my dog and some stuff to spend the night at mac's. i had to wrap her present and run by the store to grab a few items for dinner. the new seasons in concordia was *packed*! the flower line consisted of 15 guys scrambling for the last dregs of the flowers - was just too damn funny! i got some stuff for dessert and a bottle of patron silver and headed to mac's. as she opened the door, of course, the dogs had a scuffle and mac got caught in the crossfire. such a bummer because a) mac got hurt, b) it started the evening with a bang, and c) the dogs were starting to get along . . . or so we thought. luckily we cleaned mac's hand up & finished up dinner. i made the brownies & put 'em in the oven while we ate. before we sat down, we gave each other our cards & gifts. she made me a mix cd and put it on to listen to while we ate. it was beautiful and so well thought-out (as to be expected from my dj). as we ate, she sang to me and it was so sweet. she cried when she read my card and just gave me the sweetest hug ever. we had a nice dinner and listened to great music. after dinner, we took the dogs for a walk to the park and then had dessert when we got back home. was definitely one of the most romantic valentine's days ever. am looking forward to part 2 of our date tonight and so many more valentine's days in our future.

so today i'm thankful for . . . the pure love i feel for her and from her

anticipation . . .

can be sweet and torturous. mac left to visit some friends in california yesterday and i've been missing her since she left. we've exchanged some very sweet text messages and had some nice phone calls but i still miss her near me. she'll be home tomorrow night and it's not soon enough for me!

we have our first weekend getaway planned this weekend. we're headed down to the willamette valley wine country for the 2005 pinot noir release at sokol blosser winery then plan to spend a night at the hotel oregon in mcminnville. am very much looking forward to getting out of town with her. only thing that would make it better would be the weather being nice enough to ride our bikes down there.

today i'm thankful for . . . the perspective gained from some distance

centering . . .

not even sure how to explain the feelings going on right now for me. am on cloud 9 and floating off the ground due to the amazing woman i've met and am spending time with. we have an indescribable connection that makes no sense. even though it's only been a month or so, it's a very deep connection that we share and are enjoying immensely. it doesn't feel rushed or overwhelming. just delicious and peaceful. i cherish each moment we get to share and look forward to seeing how this develops.

at the same time, i realize that in order to be fully present as i explore this connection i must be present with myself and that means setting my priorities in such a way as to not *lose* myself in the newness and power of my feelings when i'm with her. i know i have the tendency to completely fall down a rabbit-hole when i meet a new person and i then find myself neglecting both my needs and obligations to a point that i feel completely out of sorts. i don't want that to happen this time. i want to take it slow and learn about each other while maintaining our own lives and continuing to grow as individuals.

i can honestly say that i've never felt this *healthy* about any relationship. while a part of me wants to see her every day and just forget that the outside world exists, i know that i cannot do that and still feel as if i'm taking care of myself. i am learning that to feel *whole* i must be able to be with myself and pay attention to what my body needs and what my mind needs to feel centered. i am grateful that i've met someone that can appreciate that need and has no hesitation to ask for that space for herself as well. it's a precious understanding of oneself and one that i respect very much. i think i've reached a point in my life where i couldn't be with someone that didn't have that awareness of themselves and their needs.

so today i'm thankful for ... self-awareness both in myself and in the people i hold dear.

a "post-it" note . . .

i have been reminded recently of one of my favorite sex and the city episodes. when a friend of mine referenced this episode, it struck a chord. then this morning as i'm getting ready for work i heard a dixie chicks song i hadn't heard in a very very very long time and the words just resonated. i don't believe in coincidences but i do believe that the universe knows how to send us messages when we need them.

indulgence & desire

so last night was totally unexpected. had a lovely evening planned for myself and friends. a dear friend of mine, osha, is a wonderfully talented massage therapist and just graduated from acupuncture school. she'd offered me a treatment for my birthday several months back and we just hadn't had a free moment to schedule it. well, we persisted and i was able to get on her schedule last night after work. what a glorious way to end a tough week. i walked 3 blks to osha's house and spent 1.5 hrs in total bliss. my stomach started to growl during the treatment and osha had some food so we had a snack and then i was off to meet my friend, cg, at a local wine bar for a tasting of 6 oregon pinot noirs. we've been doing regular tastings a wine bar in her 'hood on saturday nights so we decided to switch it up and try a friday night tasting up in my 'hood. enjoyed the tasting and the company. on our way out, i got a txt msg from star asking what i was up to. she said she was meeting friends in about an hour and asked if i wanted to join. i convinced cg that she should join us so we headed back to my place to hang out in the backyard to wait for the call as star wasn't certain where we were going or even when. had a nice time hanging out in the yard and cg decided she was too tired to join so she headed home. i got a txt from star that i should come pick her up if it would keep me *motivated* to go out. i don't think i've ever gotten dressed to go out so quickly. i think i got her her place in less than 30 mins. we headed downtown to meet up with folks for a night at the gay boy bars. i had forgotten how much fun they are. queens really do know how to party. we had a great time dancing the night away.

ended up meeting some friends at the oregon brewers festival on the waterfront for a few hours this afternoon. we have a great brewfest every year with many beers that i couldn't find otherwise. tasted a bourbon barrel abbey dubbel from flying fish brewing that tasted like having a beer chaser on a good glass of bourbon. after tasting 10 different beers, i headed home. hung out with the dog in the backyard for awhile and napped on the couch.

ended up meeting cg and her girl for another tasting tonight. had some good stuff and hung out for quite awhile. went to double down to dance and see star for a bit. ran into some folks i know and danced to some good music but the music was a bit inconsistent so i wasn't totally into it. i headed home around midnight to get some rest.

meeting a friend for brunch tomorrow am before i meet up with star for coffee. looking forward to it since i haven't seen my friend in awhile. gotta get some housework done and maybe some yard work too. dix called earlier to see if i wanted yard work help tomorrow. might take her up on it. gotta get some packing thought about for my trip.

looking forward to seeing bd and my big sister. get to meet my niece who's almost a year old. i gave her her middle name and she'll soon be a big sister to twins. crazy. looking forward to nashville and the honky tonks. gotta remember to pack boots ... if i could find myself a cowgirl, it might be the perfect trip.

addictive behaviour

why is it that when you meet a new person, you feel like an addict? you can't get enough of them. you want to see them all the time. you would rather talk or see them than just about anything in the world. and when that new person can't/doesn't want to see you, it's heart-breaking. you feel like an obsessed freak. it's so fucking hard.

i hadn't thought about it this way until the new person in my life was talking to a friend of mine on sunday night. it is like an addiction. i'm kinda glad i can't see her as much as i'd like because i'm sure i'd smother her like i've done with others. but damn, do i want to see her & kiss her & make love to her again.

as one ends, another begins

i sit here tonight just giddy. i didn't think it was possible to feel this way again. i can't believe it's been 6 mos since my relationship ended. just unbelievable how easily a life together unravels and a new life begins. i've been living on my own for 3 mos now and i'm starting to settle in. i've re-established relationships with friends i'd lost touch with. am reminding myself how to be alone and comfortable with the quiet and silence. am reconnecting with myself and starting to enjoy my own company. starting to feel good again.

a couple of weeks ago i met a girl that took my breath away as soon as i saw her. was introduced to her by a mutual friend at a dance party and have not been able to shake the visions of her in my head since. she's quite the woman and is definitely intriguing. she has taken hold of my thoughts in a way i have not experienced in quite some time. she leaves for germany for a year in exactly 2 mos. could be the best thing but could also be heart-breaking. we'll have to see where it goes in the next 2 mos. for now, i'm enjoying getting to know her. she's a bit guarded which is probably a built-in safety hatch for me and i'm sure why i'm intrigued by her. she spent the night after a long night of flirting via text message about a month ago. i helped her move 2 weeks later with several other friends. hadn't really seen her for a few weeks but still couldn't shake the thought of her. the feel of her in my arms as i fall asleep every night. wanting to see her and talk to her and maybe finally kiss her. i let her take the lead and was just patient.

the last week or so she'd been angling for an invite to a bbq and i finally obliged by inviting her to sunday dinner at my house last night. i figured she wanted to meet my friends before going out with me and i agreed it might be a good way to let her see how genuine i really am in my own environment. was a fun evening and the girls, well most of them ;-), headed home around 11p. it was a school night after all.

i really like her. i like how she makes me feel. i like who i want to be when i'm with her. i don't feel like i have to put on an act around her. feel like i can just be me. given that i'm just trying to figure out who that is, it's nice to be around someone with no expectations and preconceptions about you. i think she likes me too but is uncertain given the tumultuousness of her life right now. she's moved out of her apt of 3 yrs and is living with a friend until she leaves for germany. has sold her car. is still working on her master's degree coursework. is temping until she leaves. and i'm certain she doesn't want to get into anything serious right now. i'm not sure i want anything serious either - but i would love to spend time with her and get to know her more until she leaves. i want to talk to her, and hold her, and kiss her, and make her dinner, and and and . . .

i didn't get anything done at work today because all i could think about was the way i felt last night when i was with her. very peaceful and calm and at ease. no games, no anything. just two people enjoying each other. my co-worker, z, said i looked "giddy". i was! i felt like a teenager again. so tingly and giddy and excited about the possibilities that lie ahead for me . . . both with her and for myself. it felt good to feel whole and sexual and sexy again. i wasn't sure if i would ever feel that way again. if i ever *could* feel that way again. i feel so sure of myself when she's around. i feel sure of who i am and what i want.

it's been a long road for me to find myself. and i know that the goal is not to necessarily rely on someone else to make you feel good about yourself. i don't think that's the case here. i feel that she's so very clear about her priorities and self-needs that it's inspiring to be around. she apologized as we got out of the car on sunday about not calling me for a party on saturday night and my immediate response was "i wasn't sitting around waiting for you to call and i never will". she said, "good, i think that's why we get along." it's pretty exemplary of my attraction to her. she likes me (at least i think she does) and she knows who she is. i told her pretty early that i didn't have time to play games and i wasn't into bullshit. i'm too old and tired for games. i'd rather this not go anywhere and her be honest with me than to keep having sex with me and me not know how she feels...honestly feels.