on the road again . . .

tonight i leave for a trip to see 3 of the most amazing women in my life. my first stop is in nashville, tn ... home to the grand ole opry and many many honky tonks. i am going to visit the woman who gets the most credit for my political education, bd. had the pleasure of meeting her at a point in my life where i wasn't sure what i was doing or where i was going. i was a naïve 22 year old and had no idea what women's studies meant or why anyone would need to study it. needless to say, after many nights on her front porch drinking gin & tonics, i saw the light. i ended up changing my thesis topic and shuffling my committee so she could be on it. and the rest, as they say, is herstory. bd lives in nashville with her beau now and teaches at vanderbilt where i'm sure she's blowing students' minds like she did mine.

she's made the last few trips out to portland so i figured it was high time i hopped on a plane and went to see what nashville was all about. i'll spend 3 days there and then head off to cincinnati, oh. i know, i know, why would anyone plan a trip to those 2 cities in the heat of summer. well, i'm not sure but i did!

there i'll get to visit my big sister from college and meet my niece. my sister has known me since i was 18 years old and we were hustling boys at pool! people really thought we were sisters so it just stuck. almost a year ago, after much trying, she & her hubby (the cutest man ever) had my niece, cass. i figured i'd better go meet her before she hit her 1st bday. so i've got a suitcase full of presents so i can spoil my little girl. am so happy to visit now because my sis is preggers again – twins this time. yikes. can't believe that very soon she'll have 3 kids under 18 mos in the house. god bless her ...

i'll also get to visit my aunt lisa. she was *almost* a prof of mine. bd used to teach at the university of cincinnati and knew lisa from there. over the years i got to know her as well. after i'd graduated from my master's program, i considered going to uc to do a joint degree program they have that gets you a master's in women's studies and a juris doctor in 4 yrs. alas, it wasn't meant to be as i never got into the law school (lsats be damned) and i met my ex and ended up in nyc and later here in portland. we've kept in touch over the years and she's just a goddess to me.

i'll be in cincy till sunday and then head back to nashville for a few more days before coming home on tues pm. am looking forward to getting outta town and having some fun. i've been promised my favorite meal by bd – who's an awesome cook – of chicken fried steak, gravy, mashed potatoes and greens! yum! mouth's watering already. i've also been promised a visit to a real deal honky tonk! yee haw.

work's been nuts so i'm looking forward to *unplugging* for a week. it'll also be good to let things cool with star for a few days. i'm totally smitten and i think she is too. i had lunch with her today and brought her flowers at work. she thanked me for them and rewarded me with a kiss that made me wish it could go on forever. i'm sure i'll talk to her while i'm gone. hope we'll be able to make some plans for when i get back. time's ticking down ... only 6 weeks left till she leaves.

reports from the road soon . . .

indulgence & desire

so last night was totally unexpected. had a lovely evening planned for myself and friends. a dear friend of mine, osha, is a wonderfully talented massage therapist and just graduated from acupuncture school. she'd offered me a treatment for my birthday several months back and we just hadn't had a free moment to schedule it. well, we persisted and i was able to get on her schedule last night after work. what a glorious way to end a tough week. i walked 3 blks to osha's house and spent 1.5 hrs in total bliss. my stomach started to growl during the treatment and osha had some food so we had a snack and then i was off to meet my friend, cg, at a local wine bar for a tasting of 6 oregon pinot noirs. we've been doing regular tastings a wine bar in her 'hood on saturday nights so we decided to switch it up and try a friday night tasting up in my 'hood. enjoyed the tasting and the company. on our way out, i got a txt msg from star asking what i was up to. she said she was meeting friends in about an hour and asked if i wanted to join. i convinced cg that she should join us so we headed back to my place to hang out in the backyard to wait for the call as star wasn't certain where we were going or even when. had a nice time hanging out in the yard and cg decided she was too tired to join so she headed home. i got a txt from star that i should come pick her up if it would keep me *motivated* to go out. i don't think i've ever gotten dressed to go out so quickly. i think i got her her place in less than 30 mins. we headed downtown to meet up with folks for a night at the gay boy bars. i had forgotten how much fun they are. queens really do know how to party. we had a great time dancing the night away.

ended up meeting some friends at the oregon brewers festival on the waterfront for a few hours this afternoon. we have a great brewfest every year with many beers that i couldn't find otherwise. tasted a bourbon barrel abbey dubbel from flying fish brewing that tasted like having a beer chaser on a good glass of bourbon. after tasting 10 different beers, i headed home. hung out with the dog in the backyard for awhile and napped on the couch.

ended up meeting cg and her girl for another tasting tonight. had some good stuff and hung out for quite awhile. went to double down to dance and see star for a bit. ran into some folks i know and danced to some good music but the music was a bit inconsistent so i wasn't totally into it. i headed home around midnight to get some rest.

meeting a friend for brunch tomorrow am before i meet up with star for coffee. looking forward to it since i haven't seen my friend in awhile. gotta get some housework done and maybe some yard work too. dix called earlier to see if i wanted yard work help tomorrow. might take her up on it. gotta get some packing thought about for my trip.

looking forward to seeing bd and my big sister. get to meet my niece who's almost a year old. i gave her her middle name and she'll soon be a big sister to twins. crazy. looking forward to nashville and the honky tonks. gotta remember to pack boots ... if i could find myself a cowgirl, it might be the perfect trip.

outdoor concerts are grand

last night was a perfect summer night here in pdx. our local zoo puts on a summer concert series each year. the zoo has a great set up with an amphitheater stage with a big lawn tucked in between the elephants and the primates. they sell beer/wine and have some food vendors but they allow you to bring your own food (just no outside alcohol - unless you're sneaky like me!). folks bring blankets and picnics and enjoy some great music in a great venue. the bigger the crowd the better for me.

over the past several years, i've had the pleasure of seeing some great artists. a sampling would include the gipsy kings, the indigo girls (with girlyman opening), suzanne vega/marc cohn, and zap mama. on friday night, anunce, mfp and her sis and some other friends went to see patty griffin. what a fantastic show. the weather had been crappy during the day but it stopped raining long enough for the show. last night was los lobos. they're so great. the show was sold out and we found a great little spot under a tree near the back. felt like we were in a fort. had a good spread laid out with some fresh tomato salad and some goat brie with a crusty baguette. of course, mfp managed to get her flask taken away and get busted for smoking outside the designated area within 5 mins of each other. too funny.

our next zoo concert will be rodrigo y gabriela on august 31st. am very excited to see them live. will provide a report after that show.

ah, summer

summer is my favorite time of year. there's always a reason to sit outside and just shoot the shit with friends. last night was just one of those occasions. sweets and i went to visit some friends who just bought a house. was a great night to sit on their front porch and drink a few beers and catch up. was lots of fun. though i have to remember to pour myself into bed before midnight on school nights. i'm not as young and spry as i used to be.

the other reason i love summer is the tour de france! every summer, for 3 solid weeks, i get up around 530a to catch the live coverage of that day's stage. this year's tour has been quite exciting. the pre-race favourite has been expelled from the race after some exciting stage wins and crashes. the last few days in the pyrenees the top 2 riders have been going shoulder-to-shoulder. there haven't been many crashes but there's still been plenty of doping scandal. so fun to watch. someday i'd like to go to france during that time and just watch them whizz by. we're getting down to the wire on the tour so my obsession will soon go back into hibernation until next july.

addictive behaviour

why is it that when you meet a new person, you feel like an addict? you can't get enough of them. you want to see them all the time. you would rather talk or see them than just about anything in the world. and when that new person can't/doesn't want to see you, it's heart-breaking. you feel like an obsessed freak. it's so fucking hard.

i hadn't thought about it this way until the new person in my life was talking to a friend of mine on sunday night. it is like an addiction. i'm kinda glad i can't see her as much as i'd like because i'm sure i'd smother her like i've done with others. but damn, do i want to see her & kiss her & make love to her again.

as one ends, another begins

i sit here tonight just giddy. i didn't think it was possible to feel this way again. i can't believe it's been 6 mos since my relationship ended. just unbelievable how easily a life together unravels and a new life begins. i've been living on my own for 3 mos now and i'm starting to settle in. i've re-established relationships with friends i'd lost touch with. am reminding myself how to be alone and comfortable with the quiet and silence. am reconnecting with myself and starting to enjoy my own company. starting to feel good again.

a couple of weeks ago i met a girl that took my breath away as soon as i saw her. was introduced to her by a mutual friend at a dance party and have not been able to shake the visions of her in my head since. she's quite the woman and is definitely intriguing. she has taken hold of my thoughts in a way i have not experienced in quite some time. she leaves for germany for a year in exactly 2 mos. could be the best thing but could also be heart-breaking. we'll have to see where it goes in the next 2 mos. for now, i'm enjoying getting to know her. she's a bit guarded which is probably a built-in safety hatch for me and i'm sure why i'm intrigued by her. she spent the night after a long night of flirting via text message about a month ago. i helped her move 2 weeks later with several other friends. hadn't really seen her for a few weeks but still couldn't shake the thought of her. the feel of her in my arms as i fall asleep every night. wanting to see her and talk to her and maybe finally kiss her. i let her take the lead and was just patient.

the last week or so she'd been angling for an invite to a bbq and i finally obliged by inviting her to sunday dinner at my house last night. i figured she wanted to meet my friends before going out with me and i agreed it might be a good way to let her see how genuine i really am in my own environment. was a fun evening and the girls, well most of them ;-), headed home around 11p. it was a school night after all.

i really like her. i like how she makes me feel. i like who i want to be when i'm with her. i don't feel like i have to put on an act around her. feel like i can just be me. given that i'm just trying to figure out who that is, it's nice to be around someone with no expectations and preconceptions about you. i think she likes me too but is uncertain given the tumultuousness of her life right now. she's moved out of her apt of 3 yrs and is living with a friend until she leaves for germany. has sold her car. is still working on her master's degree coursework. is temping until she leaves. and i'm certain she doesn't want to get into anything serious right now. i'm not sure i want anything serious either - but i would love to spend time with her and get to know her more until she leaves. i want to talk to her, and hold her, and kiss her, and make her dinner, and and and . . .

i didn't get anything done at work today because all i could think about was the way i felt last night when i was with her. very peaceful and calm and at ease. no games, no anything. just two people enjoying each other. my co-worker, z, said i looked "giddy". i was! i felt like a teenager again. so tingly and giddy and excited about the possibilities that lie ahead for me . . . both with her and for myself. it felt good to feel whole and sexual and sexy again. i wasn't sure if i would ever feel that way again. if i ever *could* feel that way again. i feel so sure of myself when she's around. i feel sure of who i am and what i want.

it's been a long road for me to find myself. and i know that the goal is not to necessarily rely on someone else to make you feel good about yourself. i don't think that's the case here. i feel that she's so very clear about her priorities and self-needs that it's inspiring to be around. she apologized as we got out of the car on sunday about not calling me for a party on saturday night and my immediate response was "i wasn't sitting around waiting for you to call and i never will". she said, "good, i think that's why we get along." it's pretty exemplary of my attraction to her. she likes me (at least i think she does) and she knows who she is. i told her pretty early that i didn't have time to play games and i wasn't into bullshit. i'm too old and tired for games. i'd rather this not go anywhere and her be honest with me than to keep having sex with me and me not know how she feels...honestly feels.