another roller coaster day . . .

things have been pretty up & down for awhile but yesterday was particularly so. being up so early and getting some exercise started the day off well but by mid-afternoon i was fading and frustrated with some work and personal stuff. then i received a call that got me all amped up again but i still had a low-level of sadness all day. had a few errands to run after work and then had plans to meet up with sweets & fifer around 7. ended up having an impromptu dinner of corn dogs & tater tots at the florida room with sarah and had a good time catching up. got the call from sweets that we were meeting at lucky's at 8ish so i headed there after dinner. was great to see those guys and hang out on the patio on a great portland evening. was a great evening and i didn't smoke at all despite being around smokers all night. wasn't even craving it. but . . .

on my way home, i cracked ... i admit it, i had a smoke. felt pretty bummed with myself. starting over again today. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this.

the only thing that stays the same is change . . .

the last 7 months have been a pivotal period of transition and transformation for me. if i'd predicted what my life would look like on this day a year ago, my description wouldn't even resemble today's reality. while i wasn't thrilled or fully prepared for what caused this process to begin, i am now thankful for the opportunity it's given me. the chance to rekindle my relationship with myself, to re-examine my life's priorities (both personal and professional), to learn how to live alone and enjoy it, to meet new people and discover new places . . . so many that it's impossible to list them all.

the most critical seems to be that i have the time and energy to examine what i like and don't like about myself and decide what to keep and what to change. have made lots of changes in the last 6 mos - above and beyond the obvious one, buying a new house. i have bought a new car, changed my hair style, changed my overall style of dress, and have basically changed my outlook on life. change is good. it's cleansing. it's refreshing. and it's crazy scary. but ya gotta press on and do it.

on that note, today i started to get active again. i met up with sweets at 6a for a good brisk walk (although i know i slowed her down ;-) we walked till 7a, grabbed a cuppa joe and i headed to the office. decided while i was sweaty and needing a shower, i'd just do some weights too. felt good to move my body again. will definitely keep doing that ... the reward felt too good. will also be nice to reinforce the not smoking.

i've also scheduled an acupuncture appt for thursday to reinforce the not smoking thing. so far so good. have been continuing to take my breaks with my smoking buddies but not smoking. event went to a bar last night and drank but didn't smoke. i really think this time might be it.

more changes are coming ... i can just feel 'em. pretty exciting to have prospects on the horizon. pretty fun to actually be looking forward to change ... hasn't always been the case for me. i guess it just fits with the rest of the changes.

today is the day . . .

i quit smoking. for good this time. i've smoked for 20 yrs with periods of not smoking mixed in. i've never stopped smoking for more than 6 mos at a time. my body is starting to reject it and feel horrible. i am spending too much money on cigarettes. am looking forward to having more money in my pocket to save and put towards my trip to europe next spring. wish me luck this time. but i feel like i won't need it. i think this time is the one where i'll be able to keep it up. updates on the process to come...