as one ends, another begins

i sit here tonight just giddy. i didn't think it was possible to feel this way again. i can't believe it's been 6 mos since my relationship ended. just unbelievable how easily a life together unravels and a new life begins. i've been living on my own for 3 mos now and i'm starting to settle in. i've re-established relationships with friends i'd lost touch with. am reminding myself how to be alone and comfortable with the quiet and silence. am reconnecting with myself and starting to enjoy my own company. starting to feel good again.

a couple of weeks ago i met a girl that took my breath away as soon as i saw her. was introduced to her by a mutual friend at a dance party and have not been able to shake the visions of her in my head since. she's quite the woman and is definitely intriguing. she has taken hold of my thoughts in a way i have not experienced in quite some time. she leaves for germany for a year in exactly 2 mos. could be the best thing but could also be heart-breaking. we'll have to see where it goes in the next 2 mos. for now, i'm enjoying getting to know her. she's a bit guarded which is probably a built-in safety hatch for me and i'm sure why i'm intrigued by her. she spent the night after a long night of flirting via text message about a month ago. i helped her move 2 weeks later with several other friends. hadn't really seen her for a few weeks but still couldn't shake the thought of her. the feel of her in my arms as i fall asleep every night. wanting to see her and talk to her and maybe finally kiss her. i let her take the lead and was just patient.

the last week or so she'd been angling for an invite to a bbq and i finally obliged by inviting her to sunday dinner at my house last night. i figured she wanted to meet my friends before going out with me and i agreed it might be a good way to let her see how genuine i really am in my own environment. was a fun evening and the girls, well most of them ;-), headed home around 11p. it was a school night after all.

i really like her. i like how she makes me feel. i like who i want to be when i'm with her. i don't feel like i have to put on an act around her. feel like i can just be me. given that i'm just trying to figure out who that is, it's nice to be around someone with no expectations and preconceptions about you. i think she likes me too but is uncertain given the tumultuousness of her life right now. she's moved out of her apt of 3 yrs and is living with a friend until she leaves for germany. has sold her car. is still working on her master's degree coursework. is temping until she leaves. and i'm certain she doesn't want to get into anything serious right now. i'm not sure i want anything serious either - but i would love to spend time with her and get to know her more until she leaves. i want to talk to her, and hold her, and kiss her, and make her dinner, and and and . . .

i didn't get anything done at work today because all i could think about was the way i felt last night when i was with her. very peaceful and calm and at ease. no games, no anything. just two people enjoying each other. my co-worker, z, said i looked "giddy". i was! i felt like a teenager again. so tingly and giddy and excited about the possibilities that lie ahead for me . . . both with her and for myself. it felt good to feel whole and sexual and sexy again. i wasn't sure if i would ever feel that way again. if i ever *could* feel that way again. i feel so sure of myself when she's around. i feel sure of who i am and what i want.

it's been a long road for me to find myself. and i know that the goal is not to necessarily rely on someone else to make you feel good about yourself. i don't think that's the case here. i feel that she's so very clear about her priorities and self-needs that it's inspiring to be around. she apologized as we got out of the car on sunday about not calling me for a party on saturday night and my immediate response was "i wasn't sitting around waiting for you to call and i never will". she said, "good, i think that's why we get along." it's pretty exemplary of my attraction to her. she likes me (at least i think she does) and she knows who she is. i told her pretty early that i didn't have time to play games and i wasn't into bullshit. i'm too old and tired for games. i'd rather this not go anywhere and her be honest with me than to keep having sex with me and me not know how she feels...honestly feels.