my mom rocks!

so, my mom and i have had a pretty interesting relationship over the years. life hasn't always been easy. she was a single mom and *very* young when she had me. i'm very glad that she decided to keep me. we've had our moments over the years that have been tumultuous and silent. we've really gotten close again over the last year tho. i think we've both grown up and learned to love each other and let each other be. we can actually *talk* about stuff like we never have before. it's pretty cool. i feel very fortunate to have the kind of relationship we have.

she'll be here to visit in a few weeks. this will be the first time she gets to see where i live. i've been in pdx for 5+ yrs and this will be her first ever visit to the entire west coast. will be nerve-racking and exciting all at the same time. my step-dad and grandparents will be coming as well. i'm going to host a bbq for them to be able to meet all my friends. figure it'll be the easiest thing to do.

then my mom and i are going to italy together in april. should be a fun trip. am planning to stay in europe an extra week after mom heads home. am really looking forward to doing that trip with her. it's been 20 yrs since we last traveled together.

so today i'm thankful for . . . my mom

impromptu dinners . . .

last night i had the pleasure of having an impromptu dinner with a dear friend of mine.

after driving all of her daughter's friends home, star came over for dinner. we got some yummy mexican chopped salads from aquí mexican cafe and sat in the backyard. it was a nice time. we just hung out and talked and sat quietly for a bit.

so today i'm thankful for . . . impromptu dinners with a good friend

reconnections . . .

so i found an old friend/co-worker/business partner on facebook the other day. hadn't talked to her in years and when we did it was like we'd never lost touch. such a nice feeling to know your bond with someone is so deep and strong than when you find them again it's like you've always been there.

so today i'm thankful for . . . social networks that allow me to find & reconnect with old friends.

mission accomplished . . .

well, part 1 anyway. my goal for the weekend was to pour the concrete slab upon which my outdoor kitchen will be built (hopefully next weekend!) before my mother comes for a visit in mid-september.

yesterday morning i headed off to lowe's to buy the supplies. i wasn't particularly motivated since i'd closed the florida room with anunce after being out most of the evening. we went to the opening of a great new store called olio united of all organic and sustainable clothing and housewares - anunce knew the owners. (shameless plug here – go support these guys. the clothes & housewares were awesome and they were really cool folks) of course i had to do some shopping! then headed off to kelly's olympian for a benefit concert for a co-worker of anunce and mfp's. show was decent ... i just have horrible memories of the only other time i've been in that bar. we dropped greg and mfp at home but decided we weren't done drinking so we headed of the florida room (never mind we'd *started* the evening there). at around 230a, i took anunce home and headed home to pour myself into bed.

so back to lowe's...i was fortunate enough to be helped by a lovely gay man named larry (at least my gaydar says he was ...it's been known to be wrong before) ... he walked me through what i'd need, suggested cheaper alternatives since i didn't need *professional* grade stuff, and even through in a few pointers. i had the 10 bags of 80lb quikrete loaded in the back of the wagon with a couple of 2x4s and the rest of the gear and headed home to start clearing the site. didn't realize until i got home how loaded down the car was ... the back tirewells were, at most, 2" above the tires. yikes! needless to say, i left the concrete in the car overnight!

i started working around noon and was able to clear the site and set the forms. i was pretty impressed by how much i got done. i called a neighbor and asked to borrow her wheelbarrow and set about doing other household chores (i've been very neglectful for the last few weeks given how much i've had going on).

so this morning, after another late night ... this time out dancing (more on that in another post later) ... i got back to work. unloaded 8 bags of quikrete and started mixing. man, they're not kidding when they call it 80lb grade ... it was heavy as all get out. seriously got my workout today!

but the end result is so worth it! i'm very pleased with it given that it's the first time i've ever done anything like this on my own. it looks great - not perfect but will definitely be workable. since it'll be under the eventual cabinet, i wasn't too worried about *perfection*.

am off to take a shower and then a cat nap. am having friends over to grill and get in the hot tub tonight. i've never been so happy to be a hot tub owner in my whole life ... well, except after i did the floors. hmm ... am sensing a theme.

anyways ... today i'm thankful for ... cooler weather and sunshine to help the concrete cure. oh yeah, and my hot tub!

company picnics . . .

so today i had to go play the political game at our annual company "luau". so the story goes that our company was *founded* by two friends as they sat on a beach in hawaii. so every year around the time of that conversation we have a luau. usually it's held at some random place and usually on a weekday toward the end of the workday but this year our COO decided to host it at his house on a saturday so folks could bring their families. i was not sure i was going to make it but got a call from my boss offering to drive me. now very few of the people in our usual circle were going to be there so she was hoping she could convince me to join her and her husband. i really like her so i told her i'd think about it. well today i got all the things done i wanted to get done so i decided it would be a good *political* move for me to attend. it was as expected. the cliques emerged early and the kids were all wound up. we were there for less time than it actually took us to *drive* out to the scary 'burbs. just driving through that neighborhood made me uncomfortable. we came and went but we did at least show.

the sun . . .

today i'm thankful for . . . the sun

it's a beautiful day in portland today and i have the good fortune of having a friend who's hosting a pool party. should be a good time. am gonna bail outta work a bit early to be able to maximize my hanging out by the pool time.

finish what you started . . .

so it's been 7 months since my relationship ended and as these things go it's been fairly *easy*and amicable. over this period of time, we've disentangled most of our lives and just had one item left to attend to – signing the papers to separate our domestic partnership. we had discussed that it needed to be done and that it wasn't an immediate priority when the separation first happened. but now it's been 7 mos and i'm ready to be *done*. our fair county requires that either both parties be present to separate the partnership or that one notify the other of their intent to do so via certified mail with a return receipt. i had hoped we could be adults and do it together since we'd both managed to show up to get *hitched* in the first place. when i was finally able to reach my ex yesterday to schedule said signing, she informed me that it would just be too much work for her to get there during business hours and could i just handle it and send her the letter. the only reason i agreed is that if i wait around for her handle it, it'll never get done. so today i dispatched the necessary letter and now just wait for the return receipt to hit my mailbox.

i guess i'm just annoyed that, yet again, i get left holding the bag of responsibility. she left and somehow now she's off the hook from signing the divorce papers. she could have at least had the respect to be present at the end of this relationship and finish what she'd started.

guiding spirits

today i'm thankful for . . . guiding spirits

since my introduction to yoga many years ago, i have been exposed to the whole new universe of spirituality. would not refer to myself as a particularly *religious* person (i'm a recovering catholic) but definitely feel that i've finally started to come to terms with my *spirituality*. i definitely don't believe that there's one puppet master in the sky – by any name – pulling all the strings. i do believe that there are spirits that guide us all. what we need and what we're going through at any particular time may change which particular spirit is guiding us at any particular moment. some spirits watch over us. some keep us out of trouble. while still others call to us to teach us something.

since my divorce two particular spirits have been calling me and yesterday i heeded their call. i had been reading and learning as much as i could about kali and durga for some time. have always been drawn to kali in particular because i've always admired her strength. she emits fierceness and energy but yet still maintains a nurturing side. i knew it was a big commitment to be a devotee of kali yet the draw continued. i decided that i was ready to carry her with me so i decided i should get her name tattooed on my wrist in sanskrit. my studies had taught me that she was the destroyer of egos and i knew it was a lesson that i needed to learn so i knew it was the right thing to do. durga is known as a great goddess and is the slayer of demons. the demons i am trying to slay are the impediments in my life caused by the old patterns which have guided me to this point. it's time to take control of my own life and live it as i see fit – screw what others think.

the more i read and learned about kali and durga, the more empowered i felt. the more i knew i had found my guiding spirits. the interesting part of all of my studies and research was that i somehow felt that i'd always been called to kali even before i knew who she was. i finally know why ... kali is sometimes known as the "mother of all language". well, that just was the final nail in the coffin for me. language has always been my love and now i knew why.

the two pics in this post are of my less than 24hr old tattoos. the top one is durga and the bottom one is kali. they're not great but i wanted to show them off. better pics soon after they heal.

farmer's markets

today i'm thankful for . . . summer's bounty

i went to the farmer's market on sat am for the first time in a few weeks and got all the fixins for salad. this morning i was inspired to pack myself a big salad for lunch because i had all the goodies in the house. the farmer's market is one of my favorite places to be. when my ex and i lived in brooklyn, ny we frequented the farmer's market and were so grateful for having a market that went year-round within walking distance of our apt. learning to eat seasonally was a struggle but now i can't imagine doing anything else. it became a saturday tradition for us to go to prospect park and let the dog run around during the few off-leash hours that were allowed and then walk to the farmer's market to do our shopping for the week. we'd walk home loaded down with bags of tasty goodies and fall onto the couch to enjoy a cup of coffee by 10a. the dog would sleep till monday and we'd plan our food adventures for the week.

when we moved to portland, that tradition continued and expanded. for the first few years, we just continued our sat market tradition. then a few years ago, we became members of a csa (community supported agriculture). basically, we bought shares in a farm at the beginning of the season and then got a box of produce every week based on what had come out of the ground from june to november. there's no planning of what you want to cook until you open that box every saturday morning. what an adventure! we picked a csa that had a booth at our favorite farmer's market. we'd open our box each sat am to see what surprises awaited us that week and then fill in what we hadn't received from the other vendors in the market. i felt like i had to document each week's bounty for posterity so i would unpack all the loot when we got home & take pics of it all laid out on the counter. i know, i'm a food nerd!

so this summer has been a little hit & miss for me with the market. it's been hard to go to the market without her because it was such a part of who we were as a couple. i haven't really cooked for myself much since she left. i love to cook for other people but can't ever seem to motivate to just cook for myself. so this saturday i made a date with myself to go to the market and get some healthy food. i have learned to buy enough produce for one because i hate to waste. i want to reconnect with the enjoyment of preparing and eating food in a healthy way and not just to feed my body. i have to learn to enjoy cooking for myself as much as i love to cook collectively. cooking with and for someone is one of my favorite activities. it's amazing how *inspired* i get when i have someone to cook for.

it's interesting to learn how different people learn to eat different things. i wouldn't say i grew up in a *foodie* family. my mom recently expressed wonder at where i'd learned to eat radishes and beets! there have been a few people in my life that have introduced me to adventurous cuisines (aunt lisa to sushi, my big sister to indian, etc) but i can only give credit to my love of food and being a foodie to my ex. she was an amazing cook and could whip up meals out of thin air without ever referring to a single cookbook (even though she owned many). she really pushed me to open up my palette and try new things. hell, she made beets for 3 yrs and taunted me with her stained hands before i'd even try them. now i love them and make my own beet pickles all summer long. so thanks to a for showing me how *good* food could be and teaching my how to *eat* both well and responsibly.

a new tradition . . .

decided this morning as i sat in the dentist chair (yes, it was a lovely way to start a monday morning!) that i had a lot of things to be thankful for. so i decided that i should start a new tradition on this blog. every day (even if i don't write anything else) i'll post something i'm grateful for ... starting today.

today i'm thankful for . . .
the wonderful friends i call my family. each and every one bring something to my life that i know adds so much richness and love that i'd miss it dearly if it weren't there.

calm in the eye of the storm . . .

a peace has fallen over me in the last few days. a part of me has realized that i am finally comfortable with the fluctuations of my life. i have always been one to be rigid about how things are *supposed* to be. i am learning to embrace the uncertainty of life and to enjoy the surprises that get thrown at me by the universe. this whole weekend has been one full of little surprises. friday we had one of our monthly long-ass meetings that the whole company should attend. we usually drink heavily afterwards due to the fact that we've all been sitting in a windowless room for 5 hrs and listening to the oratories put forth my many members of our organization. blech! we have 2 new staff members that needed to be indoctrinated in our post-func tradition! had a few cocktails then headed home. on the way home, i got a call from jg. we made plans for a meeting that evening about some yard work and some hangout time. he was sweet enough to bring dinner over. we had a lovely evening of lounging by the fire in the backyard and drinking while we discussed the yard work and what should be done first. we hopped in the hot tub later in the evening to cap off the evening. was like old times when we'd end up hanging out for hours on some odd evening that he'd shuffle across the street in his slippers with the cordless phone. it was great to just have a quiet evening at home with a good friend.

saturday morning i got an early start and ran out to do some errands. had to pick up my new pants at the tailor, pick up a package at the post office, and go pick up a 1/2 barrel of lost coast great white i'd reserved a week prior. i went to the farmer's market with uma and ran into a friend i hadn't seen in awhile. we exchanged numbers and made a plan to hang out. it's nice to run into people from your community and reconnect. i had plans to go see storm & the balls play the wonder ballroom with some folks i was introduced to by an old friend from grad school in athens. it was their last show together for awhile. great to see a local band do so well and draw such a crowd. had 2 opening acts before the main event. one of them was fronted by an amazing female performer. the band was kleveland and the lead singer was named stephanie. she was so incredibly sexy and fierce. was a fantastic set and i'll definitely see them again.

headed over to outlaws to meet up with star and jenmc who had been to the rose city rollers (our local roller derby team) match that night and were at the after-party. it was lame there and we all wanted to dance. star got a call about a house party back in my 'hood so we headed there. it was fine but we didn't know many folks so we decided that we had time to make it to the eroom for a bit of dancing before they called last call. the music was good and it was fun to dance. was good to blow off steam. turned into a late night but well worth the loss of sleep.

today was productive but still a bit spontaneous. i spent some time planning the outdoor kitchen. drew up the plans and started a materials list. it's exciting to get planning on it. i really want to finish this project before my folks come in september. i've got a month to do so. i think i can get it done. keeping busy will keep me out of trouble. ;-) got a call from sarah and went shopping with her. bought a cool new shirt and flirted with a cute sales girl. might have to shop at diesel more often. went over to a bbq with a few of the sunday night girls then over to the bonfire to meet up with some friends for a quick cocktail. got home a bit ago and am chilling on the couch before heading off to bed.

has been a weekend of pleasant surprises and unplanned fun. it sounds like i haven't stopped in weeks (and i really haven't) but i feel remarkably calm despite all the activity. i think i'm starting to hit my groove and be comfortable with what my life is like now. i am active and that's ok because i like it. the lack of sleep is worth the friendships i'm cultivating and the experiences i've missed out on for the last 8 yrs. i am constantly surprised by the new people that have become such a part of my life in the last 7 mos. some are brand new like star & sweets while others i knew before but hadn't really spent a lot of quality time together like sarah. my life is so full of wonderful experiences and fantastic people and i feel blessed. i feel so much love and joy and am so content that even on my worst days i can still find something in my life to smile about. sometimes it's my dog and the way she's snoring on the couch next to me. sometimes it's a txt message from a new friend asking how i'm doing. or it's having a conversation with a new friend and just instantly *getting* each other. i am excited about what the future holds for the first time in a very long time. at the same time, i'm not tied to any particular future as long as i can find contentment. i used to live life by the book ... all planned out. now i just need to be sure to put some safeguards in place and then i'll be able let myself take some chances. i'm scared and excited all at the same time.

a "post-it" note . . .

i have been reminded recently of one of my favorite sex and the city episodes. when a friend of mine referenced this episode, it struck a chord. then this morning as i'm getting ready for work i heard a dixie chicks song i hadn't heard in a very very very long time and the words just resonated. i don't believe in coincidences but i do believe that the universe knows how to send us messages when we need them.

and just when i thought it couldn't get any worse . . .

i am reminded why i should follow my gut. why when your head and your gut tell you not to pursue that which you cannot have, you should listen. but most of us just ignore that voice, the ONLY voice to which one should listen, and continue to pursue. when the red flags and the warning signs get louder and harder to ignore, we find a way through the noise and learn how to tune it out so we can justify why we continue to pursue and pursue and pursue. even when the risk of pain is inevitable, we continue. and when the words materialize from that which you pursue you still find a way to convince yourself that the words actually mean the opposite of their sounds. and you justify to yourself how you, strong woman, could sell yourself out for a pretty girl you knew you could never have and really never should have wanted. the exhilaration of having someone pay attention to you – even the wrong kind of attention – after years of being an afterthought have conditioned you to be happy, content even, when the crumbs of attention are parceled out to you meticulously. you continue to believe that you can somehow set yourself apart from the pack but, in the end, the familiar is more comforting than the different...even when the different could be fantastic in ways never imagined. the different seems overwhelming and scary. and scary just means that falling back to the familiar is the *safe choice*. maybe someday the person that i pursue will be thrilled to make that leap to the different and take a risk to see if different could be good, great even.

another roller coaster day . . .

things have been pretty up & down for awhile but yesterday was particularly so. being up so early and getting some exercise started the day off well but by mid-afternoon i was fading and frustrated with some work and personal stuff. then i received a call that got me all amped up again but i still had a low-level of sadness all day. had a few errands to run after work and then had plans to meet up with sweets & fifer around 7. ended up having an impromptu dinner of corn dogs & tater tots at the florida room with sarah and had a good time catching up. got the call from sweets that we were meeting at lucky's at 8ish so i headed there after dinner. was great to see those guys and hang out on the patio on a great portland evening. was a great evening and i didn't smoke at all despite being around smokers all night. wasn't even craving it. but . . .

on my way home, i cracked ... i admit it, i had a smoke. felt pretty bummed with myself. starting over again today. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this.

the only thing that stays the same is change . . .

the last 7 months have been a pivotal period of transition and transformation for me. if i'd predicted what my life would look like on this day a year ago, my description wouldn't even resemble today's reality. while i wasn't thrilled or fully prepared for what caused this process to begin, i am now thankful for the opportunity it's given me. the chance to rekindle my relationship with myself, to re-examine my life's priorities (both personal and professional), to learn how to live alone and enjoy it, to meet new people and discover new places . . . so many that it's impossible to list them all.

the most critical seems to be that i have the time and energy to examine what i like and don't like about myself and decide what to keep and what to change. have made lots of changes in the last 6 mos - above and beyond the obvious one, buying a new house. i have bought a new car, changed my hair style, changed my overall style of dress, and have basically changed my outlook on life. change is good. it's cleansing. it's refreshing. and it's crazy scary. but ya gotta press on and do it.

on that note, today i started to get active again. i met up with sweets at 6a for a good brisk walk (although i know i slowed her down ;-) we walked till 7a, grabbed a cuppa joe and i headed to the office. decided while i was sweaty and needing a shower, i'd just do some weights too. felt good to move my body again. will definitely keep doing that ... the reward felt too good. will also be nice to reinforce the not smoking.

i've also scheduled an acupuncture appt for thursday to reinforce the not smoking thing. so far so good. have been continuing to take my breaks with my smoking buddies but not smoking. event went to a bar last night and drank but didn't smoke. i really think this time might be it.

more changes are coming ... i can just feel 'em. pretty exciting to have prospects on the horizon. pretty fun to actually be looking forward to change ... hasn't always been the case for me. i guess it just fits with the rest of the changes.

today is the day . . .

i quit smoking. for good this time. i've smoked for 20 yrs with periods of not smoking mixed in. i've never stopped smoking for more than 6 mos at a time. my body is starting to reject it and feel horrible. i am spending too much money on cigarettes. am looking forward to having more money in my pocket to save and put towards my trip to europe next spring. wish me luck this time. but i feel like i won't need it. i think this time is the one where i'll be able to keep it up. updates on the process to come...

the whirlwind is over . . .

the last few weeks have been a total whirlwind. the trip to nashville and cincinnati was fun but i wasn't in any one place for more than 2 days so it felt a bit more crazed than a 7 day trip should have felt. am so glad i worked on the plane on the way home. made my 1st day back at the office much easier than it could have been. i had a few hours to myself after work to clean up the house and have dinner before i picked star up after her class. she had a little time to grab a cocktail and catch up. was a really nice time. i love talking to that girl. could listen to her for hours.

thursday the whirlwind became a hurricane! i left work at 1230p and picked up robyna at the airport. after a quick stop at the store for lunch & munchies we headed to the house. we had lunch in the yard and i logged back into work for a few more hours. after i was done working, we took a walk through my 'hood and headed down to the mash tun for a few beers. hung out for a bit chatting with 2 of my favorite bartenders and listening to leonard cohen on the jukebox. robyna's a big fan. i still can't hear an lc song and not think of her. headed back to the house and watched a movie. stayed up way too late but had some good catching up to do!

friday i had a day full of meetings at the office while robyna slept in and took the pudge for a walk to the park. i got done with work around 3p and we headed to the store to get ready for the bbq we had planned that night. was a lovely evening to be outside and we took full advantage of it. was great to have my local friends meet my old friends. had a ball, killed the keg, and finally doused the fire at 2a. even the dog had given up & gone to bed by then! ;-)

saturday was full of shopping - literally. a couple of my friends wanted to take me shopping because i've been saying i needed a new *look*. i generally hate to shop for myself but if a cute girl (make that 3 cute girls) want to pick clothes out for me to try on, i'm down for shopping anytime! got some great finds including an awesome black motorcycle jacket! robyna got some hot sandals. we headed over to the party at star's around 630p. had a good time - again another opportunity to enjoy a portland summer evening. we headed outta there around 845p to go get ready for the big girl4girl dance party going on that night. party was a little lame so we ended up at the e-room. hadn't been there in years but had a great time listening to some karaoke (some really good, some painfully bad). was chatting with jenmc and kc and robyna just had a great time. was getting checked out constantly and her drawl was definitely drawing attention! we closed the place down and robyna & i headed home. had another drink when we got here and finally crawled into bed around 3a.

took her to the airport this am. she had an 1115a flight back to atl. was so fantastic to see her and talk to her and drink with her - some of my favorite things with one of my favorite people. am finding it hard to get motivated to accomplish the 3 major things on my to do list for the day. am hoping to see star tonight or some night this week for dinner and some good company ... we'll see if the stars align for that to happen. (no pun intended)

i think i need a nap .... till later.

a sense of relief . . .

am on the plane on my way home. am feeling pretty good about my re-entry into the work world tomorrow. have used my flight home to catch up on e-mail, finish the spec for the cms project i'm working on and generally get my head back in the space it'll need to be when i arrive in the office tomorrow at approximately 8a. have a few issues to deal with when i get in tomorrow but have 7 messages queued up in my outbox. the good news is that now i'll be able to sleep when i get home. z is picking me up at the airport and is being sweet enough that he's bringing suki with him so i don't have to come get her from his house tomorrow sometime. z & dk are the best ... they always willingly take suki when i need to travel. their pack is pretty good about integrating her and dk works from home so she's around alot to separate the scuffles when they do occur.

had a layover in houston on my way back. did some fabulous shopping for travel schwag. finn said awhile ago that he had a buddy who used to send him random travel crap from wherever he went so i thought i'd take that mantle up. he'll be getting a "don't mess with texas" coffee mug in the mail here shortly! enjoy, pal! i also found some thank you gifts for z & dk that i know they'll get a kick out of. i also found a cute pair of pink cowboy boots for my cass. her 1st birthday is in less than 2 weeks and i'm certain the boots will be too big but i couldn't pass them up! my sis is just gonna flip when she opens the package. wish i could be a fly on the wall.

used my time in houston to also call a dear friend who lives in town. mlr and i have been friends since we were 15 years old and sophomores in high school. the funny part is that while we shared classes in high school, we didn't become *friends* till college. we don't talk as often as we should/could but when we do it's as if we never hung up previously. was good to hear her voice & catch up.

for now, i'm going to try to enjoy the rest of my flight. about an hour and a half to go . . . sure am glad i changed my seat to get the exit row when i checked in this am! i needed the room for my laptop.

on my way home . . . in more ways than one

my trip has been fabulous and have had a wonderful time but am so thrilled to be headed home. last night bd and her beau showed me a great time. we headed to mirror for dinner. we ended up sitting at the bar and having tapas while chatting up the owner and the bartender since they are regulars in this lovely place. i had 3 old fashioned cocktails ... when in the south, i must drink as much bourbon as possible. oh, who am i kidding? i drink bourbon all the time - it just tastes better here. ;-) the tapas array included a lamb casoulet; fabulous fried chicken and mashed potatoes (ok, not a tapa but we got it anyway); some lovely corona beans; an antipasto plate which had prosciutto, goat cheese, tomato jam and olives; and beefsteak and golden tomatoes that were so juicy that they almost dripped down your chin. we drank so much that we realized this morning that we didn't eat enough! fortunately, there was no hangover this am but there was definitely hunger. smartly, we left the car at the restaurant and walked home. this am, bd and i headed to the frothy monkey for breakfast and then continued to walk up the block to get the car. i had to go to walgreens to buy a duffel bag to carry home all the booty i have acquired on this trip! yikes.

bd had to head to the office so i'm hanging out at the house before i drive myself to the airport in a bit. will try to get some work done during my traveling to make my re-entry easier tomorrow. i'd like to be able to fuck around while robyna is here so i'm thinking i should try to do some spec writing while drinking in the airport bar. i've already checked myself in for my flight. was able to get a "exit row" seat for the long leg from houston back to pdx. hopefully, i'll get some work done.

this week has been really good for me. has given me the chance to reconnect with my roots while contemplating the transitions i'm going through back home in pdx. as soon as my relationship ended i vowed to travel more and see the people i loved more. to that end, i booked this trip. i knew i needed to see the people that knew me pre-marriage to be reminded of who i was at my core. this last 6 mos has been one of returning to myself and this has been instrumental to that process. one of the things i realized during the transition of divorce is that i have always put on a persona in reaction to the person i was with. i think that pattern has contributed to my lack of comfort with myself and my body. as i strive to find comfort with myself, i'm noticing that i'm a much more gender-fluid person than i ever dreamed. there are definitely parts of me that are very masculine while others are incredibly feminine. i've lived both extremes individually but have never been able to embrace them simultaneously. i feel like i'm in that space now. am enjoying toying with the line of male and female, of top and bottom, of butch and femme. dichotomies and boundaries are meant to be challenged. i am finding my *home* in myself by blurring the lines.

last day in nashville

so today is my last full day in nashville. have had a wonderful time but am also ready to get home. i miss star and look forward to seeing her face and feeling her presence in the room. am looking forward to seeing robyna when she arrives on thursday. am looking forward to sitting in my backyard with my dog and not feeling like i'm dripping sweat between my breasts.

more on the trip . . . on sunday i hung out with my aunt lisa. we started the morning with bloody marys and the republican debate (goddess knows you have to drink while watching republicans try to justify their idiotic political ideologies). we headed off to brunch and then i drove back to nashville. used the 4 hr drive for catching up . . . talked to mom, abuela, star, and sarah. mostly made good time and listened to as much country music as i could. got back to nashville in time to eat dinner with the family and then sit down to a night of hbo tv programming with some friends of my hosts. we watched big love, john from cincinnati, and entourage. big love was great and i'm totally sucked into entourage. i think i'm going to have to add big love & entourage to my netflix list.

today, bd and i had a day of errands. got to see the vandy campus and bought some schwag in the vandy bookstore. we're off to dinner tonight. bd and sloop are taking me to their local pub/restauant called mirror. we went for cocktails there on wed night. seemed like a nice place. food looked interesting.

totally feels like being in a different country here. have been to a target, a borders, and a kroger (twice) in this trip. good reminder that all of the country is not portland but so scary and ready to go home.

posts from the road ... part 2

fun on the road continues. thursday included a trip to the country music hall of fame. so much good stuff but the highlight had to be johnny cash's guitar. after dinner at home, bd, sloop and i hit the honky tonks. had to make a stop through several and had such a blast. the bands are fantastic and only play for tips. these musicians are amazing and the memorabilia in some of these places is almost as good as that of the hall of fame itself. the best was legends but we stopped through tootsie's and ended up at robert's western wear. robert's is a store by day and honky tonk by night. the walls are lined with boots & hats which is a bit bizarre when you're in there at night for honky tonkin'.

on friday am, i headed off to cincinnati, oh to see my big sister, her hubby and my beautiful niece, cass. cass is almost a year old and is just the happiest baby i've ever met. we stuffed ourselves with indian food and watched "the devil wears prada". i had started the audiobook version of the book but was having a hard time making it through due to the narrator's annoying voice. was glad to see the movie. was enjoyable. brought back many memories of my days in nyc as an assistant to a powerful woman although kk was *nothing* like the dragonlady.

today started with a lovely walk through the neighborhood with the baby & the dogs. was starting to get hot but wasn't sweltering yet. after indian leftovers for lunch, my sister, cass and i headed off to the clinton neighborhood of cinci. met up with my aunt lisa for a quick beer and then were headed back to the house because cass needed a nap! she let us know the whole way home how unpleased she was that we weren't there yet. will be headed back to aunt lisa's tomorrow am to watch the debates and enjoy some bloody marys before i head back to nashville for a couple more days.

i'll head home on tuesday pm and arrive back in pdx around midnight. robyna comes from atlanta on thursday to spend the weekend. what a great week and a half of seeing some of my favorite ladies. the party will just continue . . .

southern hospitality

there are parts of the south that i adore and, for obvious reasons, other parts that i abhor. i feel fortunate that i have enough *family* still left here to be able to visit and remember both parts.

having arrived in nashville yesterday to a wall of humidity hitting me as soon as i stepped off the plane (one of the many parts i abhor), today i'm reminded of one of the parts i adore ... sitting on a porch drinking coffee under a ceiling fan (yes, it's part of the charm) and welcoming the day. have been up for several hours sitting in the basically the same spot. the hours have been filled with conversation and catching up, drinking coffee (which i'm sure i'll regret later), smoking cigarettes, reading, and now blogging. what more could i ask for from a vacation?

last night bd made my favorite meal and it was scrumptious. i gorged myself as expected. my body definitely needs some vegetables today. i ate more fried food yesterday than i had in years. it all started with chick-fil-a. one of my favorite fast food restaurants which i still must frequent when i visit the south despite my having to check my politics at the door. the chicken sandwich with pickles and a sweet tea still call my name. after running a few errands, we returned to the porch for an afternoon of drinking gin & tonics (a tradition for us) and more catching up. then it was time to cook dinner. the double battering with buttermilk of cube steaks and chicken tenders and then the deep frying of these lovely morsels. the mashed potatoes ... truly mashed with the skins still on ... were decadent. grilled corn on the cob that just speaks of summer. so tasty and so filling ... and i'm *so* paying for it today. my portland-accustomed body is not used to that amount of grease in one day!

today we're about to motivate to go venture out in the world. i need to see more of this great town. we'll be visiting the VU campus, the country music hall of fame, and then off to a honky tonk later to kick up our heels.

for now, i'd be pretty happy to sit on this porch under this fan with my favorite people for the rest of the day ...