and just when i thought it couldn't get any worse . . .

i am reminded why i should follow my gut. why when your head and your gut tell you not to pursue that which you cannot have, you should listen. but most of us just ignore that voice, the ONLY voice to which one should listen, and continue to pursue. when the red flags and the warning signs get louder and harder to ignore, we find a way through the noise and learn how to tune it out so we can justify why we continue to pursue and pursue and pursue. even when the risk of pain is inevitable, we continue. and when the words materialize from that which you pursue you still find a way to convince yourself that the words actually mean the opposite of their sounds. and you justify to yourself how you, strong woman, could sell yourself out for a pretty girl you knew you could never have and really never should have wanted. the exhilaration of having someone pay attention to you – even the wrong kind of attention – after years of being an afterthought have conditioned you to be happy, content even, when the crumbs of attention are parceled out to you meticulously. you continue to believe that you can somehow set yourself apart from the pack but, in the end, the familiar is more comforting than the different...even when the different could be fantastic in ways never imagined. the different seems overwhelming and scary. and scary just means that falling back to the familiar is the *safe choice*. maybe someday the person that i pursue will be thrilled to make that leap to the different and take a risk to see if different could be good, great even.