on my way home . . . in more ways than one

my trip has been fabulous and have had a wonderful time but am so thrilled to be headed home. last night bd and her beau showed me a great time. we headed to mirror for dinner. we ended up sitting at the bar and having tapas while chatting up the owner and the bartender since they are regulars in this lovely place. i had 3 old fashioned cocktails ... when in the south, i must drink as much bourbon as possible. oh, who am i kidding? i drink bourbon all the time - it just tastes better here. ;-) the tapas array included a lamb casoulet; fabulous fried chicken and mashed potatoes (ok, not a tapa but we got it anyway); some lovely corona beans; an antipasto plate which had prosciutto, goat cheese, tomato jam and olives; and beefsteak and golden tomatoes that were so juicy that they almost dripped down your chin. we drank so much that we realized this morning that we didn't eat enough! fortunately, there was no hangover this am but there was definitely hunger. smartly, we left the car at the restaurant and walked home. this am, bd and i headed to the frothy monkey for breakfast and then continued to walk up the block to get the car. i had to go to walgreens to buy a duffel bag to carry home all the booty i have acquired on this trip! yikes.

bd had to head to the office so i'm hanging out at the house before i drive myself to the airport in a bit. will try to get some work done during my traveling to make my re-entry easier tomorrow. i'd like to be able to fuck around while robyna is here so i'm thinking i should try to do some spec writing while drinking in the airport bar. i've already checked myself in for my flight. was able to get a "exit row" seat for the long leg from houston back to pdx. hopefully, i'll get some work done.

this week has been really good for me. has given me the chance to reconnect with my roots while contemplating the transitions i'm going through back home in pdx. as soon as my relationship ended i vowed to travel more and see the people i loved more. to that end, i booked this trip. i knew i needed to see the people that knew me pre-marriage to be reminded of who i was at my core. this last 6 mos has been one of returning to myself and this has been instrumental to that process. one of the things i realized during the transition of divorce is that i have always put on a persona in reaction to the person i was with. i think that pattern has contributed to my lack of comfort with myself and my body. as i strive to find comfort with myself, i'm noticing that i'm a much more gender-fluid person than i ever dreamed. there are definitely parts of me that are very masculine while others are incredibly feminine. i've lived both extremes individually but have never been able to embrace them simultaneously. i feel like i'm in that space now. am enjoying toying with the line of male and female, of top and bottom, of butch and femme. dichotomies and boundaries are meant to be challenged. i am finding my *home* in myself by blurring the lines.