a new tradition . . .

decided this morning as i sat in the dentist chair (yes, it was a lovely way to start a monday morning!) that i had a lot of things to be thankful for. so i decided that i should start a new tradition on this blog. every day (even if i don't write anything else) i'll post something i'm grateful for ... starting today.

today i'm thankful for . . .
the wonderful friends i call my family. each and every one bring something to my life that i know adds so much richness and love that i'd miss it dearly if it weren't there.

calm in the eye of the storm . . .

a peace has fallen over me in the last few days. a part of me has realized that i am finally comfortable with the fluctuations of my life. i have always been one to be rigid about how things are *supposed* to be. i am learning to embrace the uncertainty of life and to enjoy the surprises that get thrown at me by the universe. this whole weekend has been one full of little surprises. friday we had one of our monthly long-ass meetings that the whole company should attend. we usually drink heavily afterwards due to the fact that we've all been sitting in a windowless room for 5 hrs and listening to the oratories put forth my many members of our organization. blech! we have 2 new staff members that needed to be indoctrinated in our post-func tradition! had a few cocktails then headed home. on the way home, i got a call from jg. we made plans for a meeting that evening about some yard work and some hangout time. he was sweet enough to bring dinner over. we had a lovely evening of lounging by the fire in the backyard and drinking while we discussed the yard work and what should be done first. we hopped in the hot tub later in the evening to cap off the evening. was like old times when we'd end up hanging out for hours on some odd evening that he'd shuffle across the street in his slippers with the cordless phone. it was great to just have a quiet evening at home with a good friend.

saturday morning i got an early start and ran out to do some errands. had to pick up my new pants at the tailor, pick up a package at the post office, and go pick up a 1/2 barrel of lost coast great white i'd reserved a week prior. i went to the farmer's market with uma and ran into a friend i hadn't seen in awhile. we exchanged numbers and made a plan to hang out. it's nice to run into people from your community and reconnect. i had plans to go see storm & the balls play the wonder ballroom with some folks i was introduced to by an old friend from grad school in athens. it was their last show together for awhile. great to see a local band do so well and draw such a crowd. had 2 opening acts before the main event. one of them was fronted by an amazing female performer. the band was kleveland and the lead singer was named stephanie. she was so incredibly sexy and fierce. was a fantastic set and i'll definitely see them again.

headed over to outlaws to meet up with star and jenmc who had been to the rose city rollers (our local roller derby team) match that night and were at the after-party. it was lame there and we all wanted to dance. star got a call about a house party back in my 'hood so we headed there. it was fine but we didn't know many folks so we decided that we had time to make it to the eroom for a bit of dancing before they called last call. the music was good and it was fun to dance. was good to blow off steam. turned into a late night but well worth the loss of sleep.

today was productive but still a bit spontaneous. i spent some time planning the outdoor kitchen. drew up the plans and started a materials list. it's exciting to get planning on it. i really want to finish this project before my folks come in september. i've got a month to do so. i think i can get it done. keeping busy will keep me out of trouble. ;-) got a call from sarah and went shopping with her. bought a cool new shirt and flirted with a cute sales girl. might have to shop at diesel more often. went over to a bbq with a few of the sunday night girls then over to the bonfire to meet up with some friends for a quick cocktail. got home a bit ago and am chilling on the couch before heading off to bed.

has been a weekend of pleasant surprises and unplanned fun. it sounds like i haven't stopped in weeks (and i really haven't) but i feel remarkably calm despite all the activity. i think i'm starting to hit my groove and be comfortable with what my life is like now. i am active and that's ok because i like it. the lack of sleep is worth the friendships i'm cultivating and the experiences i've missed out on for the last 8 yrs. i am constantly surprised by the new people that have become such a part of my life in the last 7 mos. some are brand new like star & sweets while others i knew before but hadn't really spent a lot of quality time together like sarah. my life is so full of wonderful experiences and fantastic people and i feel blessed. i feel so much love and joy and am so content that even on my worst days i can still find something in my life to smile about. sometimes it's my dog and the way she's snoring on the couch next to me. sometimes it's a txt message from a new friend asking how i'm doing. or it's having a conversation with a new friend and just instantly *getting* each other. i am excited about what the future holds for the first time in a very long time. at the same time, i'm not tied to any particular future as long as i can find contentment. i used to live life by the book ... all planned out. now i just need to be sure to put some safeguards in place and then i'll be able let myself take some chances. i'm scared and excited all at the same time.

a "post-it" note . . .

i have been reminded recently of one of my favorite sex and the city episodes. when a friend of mine referenced this episode, it struck a chord. then this morning as i'm getting ready for work i heard a dixie chicks song i hadn't heard in a very very very long time and the words just resonated. i don't believe in coincidences but i do believe that the universe knows how to send us messages when we need them.

and just when i thought it couldn't get any worse . . .

i am reminded why i should follow my gut. why when your head and your gut tell you not to pursue that which you cannot have, you should listen. but most of us just ignore that voice, the ONLY voice to which one should listen, and continue to pursue. when the red flags and the warning signs get louder and harder to ignore, we find a way through the noise and learn how to tune it out so we can justify why we continue to pursue and pursue and pursue. even when the risk of pain is inevitable, we continue. and when the words materialize from that which you pursue you still find a way to convince yourself that the words actually mean the opposite of their sounds. and you justify to yourself how you, strong woman, could sell yourself out for a pretty girl you knew you could never have and really never should have wanted. the exhilaration of having someone pay attention to you – even the wrong kind of attention – after years of being an afterthought have conditioned you to be happy, content even, when the crumbs of attention are parceled out to you meticulously. you continue to believe that you can somehow set yourself apart from the pack but, in the end, the familiar is more comforting than the different...even when the different could be fantastic in ways never imagined. the different seems overwhelming and scary. and scary just means that falling back to the familiar is the *safe choice*. maybe someday the person that i pursue will be thrilled to make that leap to the different and take a risk to see if different could be good, great even.

another roller coaster day . . .

things have been pretty up & down for awhile but yesterday was particularly so. being up so early and getting some exercise started the day off well but by mid-afternoon i was fading and frustrated with some work and personal stuff. then i received a call that got me all amped up again but i still had a low-level of sadness all day. had a few errands to run after work and then had plans to meet up with sweets & fifer around 7. ended up having an impromptu dinner of corn dogs & tater tots at the florida room with sarah and had a good time catching up. got the call from sweets that we were meeting at lucky's at 8ish so i headed there after dinner. was great to see those guys and hang out on the patio on a great portland evening. was a great evening and i didn't smoke at all despite being around smokers all night. wasn't even craving it. but . . .

on my way home, i cracked ... i admit it, i had a smoke. felt pretty bummed with myself. starting over again today. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this.

the only thing that stays the same is change . . .

the last 7 months have been a pivotal period of transition and transformation for me. if i'd predicted what my life would look like on this day a year ago, my description wouldn't even resemble today's reality. while i wasn't thrilled or fully prepared for what caused this process to begin, i am now thankful for the opportunity it's given me. the chance to rekindle my relationship with myself, to re-examine my life's priorities (both personal and professional), to learn how to live alone and enjoy it, to meet new people and discover new places . . . so many that it's impossible to list them all.

the most critical seems to be that i have the time and energy to examine what i like and don't like about myself and decide what to keep and what to change. have made lots of changes in the last 6 mos - above and beyond the obvious one, buying a new house. i have bought a new car, changed my hair style, changed my overall style of dress, and have basically changed my outlook on life. change is good. it's cleansing. it's refreshing. and it's crazy scary. but ya gotta press on and do it.

on that note, today i started to get active again. i met up with sweets at 6a for a good brisk walk (although i know i slowed her down ;-) we walked till 7a, grabbed a cuppa joe and i headed to the office. decided while i was sweaty and needing a shower, i'd just do some weights too. felt good to move my body again. will definitely keep doing that ... the reward felt too good. will also be nice to reinforce the not smoking.

i've also scheduled an acupuncture appt for thursday to reinforce the not smoking thing. so far so good. have been continuing to take my breaks with my smoking buddies but not smoking. event went to a bar last night and drank but didn't smoke. i really think this time might be it.

more changes are coming ... i can just feel 'em. pretty exciting to have prospects on the horizon. pretty fun to actually be looking forward to change ... hasn't always been the case for me. i guess it just fits with the rest of the changes.

today is the day . . .

i quit smoking. for good this time. i've smoked for 20 yrs with periods of not smoking mixed in. i've never stopped smoking for more than 6 mos at a time. my body is starting to reject it and feel horrible. i am spending too much money on cigarettes. am looking forward to having more money in my pocket to save and put towards my trip to europe next spring. wish me luck this time. but i feel like i won't need it. i think this time is the one where i'll be able to keep it up. updates on the process to come...

the whirlwind is over . . .

the last few weeks have been a total whirlwind. the trip to nashville and cincinnati was fun but i wasn't in any one place for more than 2 days so it felt a bit more crazed than a 7 day trip should have felt. am so glad i worked on the plane on the way home. made my 1st day back at the office much easier than it could have been. i had a few hours to myself after work to clean up the house and have dinner before i picked star up after her class. she had a little time to grab a cocktail and catch up. was a really nice time. i love talking to that girl. could listen to her for hours.

thursday the whirlwind became a hurricane! i left work at 1230p and picked up robyna at the airport. after a quick stop at the store for lunch & munchies we headed to the house. we had lunch in the yard and i logged back into work for a few more hours. after i was done working, we took a walk through my 'hood and headed down to the mash tun for a few beers. hung out for a bit chatting with 2 of my favorite bartenders and listening to leonard cohen on the jukebox. robyna's a big fan. i still can't hear an lc song and not think of her. headed back to the house and watched a movie. stayed up way too late but had some good catching up to do!

friday i had a day full of meetings at the office while robyna slept in and took the pudge for a walk to the park. i got done with work around 3p and we headed to the store to get ready for the bbq we had planned that night. was a lovely evening to be outside and we took full advantage of it. was great to have my local friends meet my old friends. had a ball, killed the keg, and finally doused the fire at 2a. even the dog had given up & gone to bed by then! ;-)

saturday was full of shopping - literally. a couple of my friends wanted to take me shopping because i've been saying i needed a new *look*. i generally hate to shop for myself but if a cute girl (make that 3 cute girls) want to pick clothes out for me to try on, i'm down for shopping anytime! got some great finds including an awesome black motorcycle jacket! robyna got some hot sandals. we headed over to the party at star's around 630p. had a good time - again another opportunity to enjoy a portland summer evening. we headed outta there around 845p to go get ready for the big girl4girl dance party going on that night. party was a little lame so we ended up at the e-room. hadn't been there in years but had a great time listening to some karaoke (some really good, some painfully bad). was chatting with jenmc and kc and robyna just had a great time. was getting checked out constantly and her drawl was definitely drawing attention! we closed the place down and robyna & i headed home. had another drink when we got here and finally crawled into bed around 3a.

took her to the airport this am. she had an 1115a flight back to atl. was so fantastic to see her and talk to her and drink with her - some of my favorite things with one of my favorite people. am finding it hard to get motivated to accomplish the 3 major things on my to do list for the day. am hoping to see star tonight or some night this week for dinner and some good company ... we'll see if the stars align for that to happen. (no pun intended)

i think i need a nap .... till later.

a sense of relief . . .

am on the plane on my way home. am feeling pretty good about my re-entry into the work world tomorrow. have used my flight home to catch up on e-mail, finish the spec for the cms project i'm working on and generally get my head back in the space it'll need to be when i arrive in the office tomorrow at approximately 8a. have a few issues to deal with when i get in tomorrow but have 7 messages queued up in my outbox. the good news is that now i'll be able to sleep when i get home. z is picking me up at the airport and is being sweet enough that he's bringing suki with him so i don't have to come get her from his house tomorrow sometime. z & dk are the best ... they always willingly take suki when i need to travel. their pack is pretty good about integrating her and dk works from home so she's around alot to separate the scuffles when they do occur.

had a layover in houston on my way back. did some fabulous shopping for travel schwag. finn said awhile ago that he had a buddy who used to send him random travel crap from wherever he went so i thought i'd take that mantle up. he'll be getting a "don't mess with texas" coffee mug in the mail here shortly! enjoy, pal! i also found some thank you gifts for z & dk that i know they'll get a kick out of. i also found a cute pair of pink cowboy boots for my cass. her 1st birthday is in less than 2 weeks and i'm certain the boots will be too big but i couldn't pass them up! my sis is just gonna flip when she opens the package. wish i could be a fly on the wall.

used my time in houston to also call a dear friend who lives in town. mlr and i have been friends since we were 15 years old and sophomores in high school. the funny part is that while we shared classes in high school, we didn't become *friends* till college. we don't talk as often as we should/could but when we do it's as if we never hung up previously. was good to hear her voice & catch up.

for now, i'm going to try to enjoy the rest of my flight. about an hour and a half to go . . . sure am glad i changed my seat to get the exit row when i checked in this am! i needed the room for my laptop.

on my way home . . . in more ways than one

my trip has been fabulous and have had a wonderful time but am so thrilled to be headed home. last night bd and her beau showed me a great time. we headed to mirror for dinner. we ended up sitting at the bar and having tapas while chatting up the owner and the bartender since they are regulars in this lovely place. i had 3 old fashioned cocktails ... when in the south, i must drink as much bourbon as possible. oh, who am i kidding? i drink bourbon all the time - it just tastes better here. ;-) the tapas array included a lamb casoulet; fabulous fried chicken and mashed potatoes (ok, not a tapa but we got it anyway); some lovely corona beans; an antipasto plate which had prosciutto, goat cheese, tomato jam and olives; and beefsteak and golden tomatoes that were so juicy that they almost dripped down your chin. we drank so much that we realized this morning that we didn't eat enough! fortunately, there was no hangover this am but there was definitely hunger. smartly, we left the car at the restaurant and walked home. this am, bd and i headed to the frothy monkey for breakfast and then continued to walk up the block to get the car. i had to go to walgreens to buy a duffel bag to carry home all the booty i have acquired on this trip! yikes.

bd had to head to the office so i'm hanging out at the house before i drive myself to the airport in a bit. will try to get some work done during my traveling to make my re-entry easier tomorrow. i'd like to be able to fuck around while robyna is here so i'm thinking i should try to do some spec writing while drinking in the airport bar. i've already checked myself in for my flight. was able to get a "exit row" seat for the long leg from houston back to pdx. hopefully, i'll get some work done.

this week has been really good for me. has given me the chance to reconnect with my roots while contemplating the transitions i'm going through back home in pdx. as soon as my relationship ended i vowed to travel more and see the people i loved more. to that end, i booked this trip. i knew i needed to see the people that knew me pre-marriage to be reminded of who i was at my core. this last 6 mos has been one of returning to myself and this has been instrumental to that process. one of the things i realized during the transition of divorce is that i have always put on a persona in reaction to the person i was with. i think that pattern has contributed to my lack of comfort with myself and my body. as i strive to find comfort with myself, i'm noticing that i'm a much more gender-fluid person than i ever dreamed. there are definitely parts of me that are very masculine while others are incredibly feminine. i've lived both extremes individually but have never been able to embrace them simultaneously. i feel like i'm in that space now. am enjoying toying with the line of male and female, of top and bottom, of butch and femme. dichotomies and boundaries are meant to be challenged. i am finding my *home* in myself by blurring the lines.

last day in nashville

so today is my last full day in nashville. have had a wonderful time but am also ready to get home. i miss star and look forward to seeing her face and feeling her presence in the room. am looking forward to seeing robyna when she arrives on thursday. am looking forward to sitting in my backyard with my dog and not feeling like i'm dripping sweat between my breasts.

more on the trip . . . on sunday i hung out with my aunt lisa. we started the morning with bloody marys and the republican debate (goddess knows you have to drink while watching republicans try to justify their idiotic political ideologies). we headed off to brunch and then i drove back to nashville. used the 4 hr drive for catching up . . . talked to mom, abuela, star, and sarah. mostly made good time and listened to as much country music as i could. got back to nashville in time to eat dinner with the family and then sit down to a night of hbo tv programming with some friends of my hosts. we watched big love, john from cincinnati, and entourage. big love was great and i'm totally sucked into entourage. i think i'm going to have to add big love & entourage to my netflix list.

today, bd and i had a day of errands. got to see the vandy campus and bought some schwag in the vandy bookstore. we're off to dinner tonight. bd and sloop are taking me to their local pub/restauant called mirror. we went for cocktails there on wed night. seemed like a nice place. food looked interesting.

totally feels like being in a different country here. have been to a target, a borders, and a kroger (twice) in this trip. good reminder that all of the country is not portland but so scary and ready to go home.

posts from the road ... part 2

fun on the road continues. thursday included a trip to the country music hall of fame. so much good stuff but the highlight had to be johnny cash's guitar. after dinner at home, bd, sloop and i hit the honky tonks. had to make a stop through several and had such a blast. the bands are fantastic and only play for tips. these musicians are amazing and the memorabilia in some of these places is almost as good as that of the hall of fame itself. the best was legends but we stopped through tootsie's and ended up at robert's western wear. robert's is a store by day and honky tonk by night. the walls are lined with boots & hats which is a bit bizarre when you're in there at night for honky tonkin'.

on friday am, i headed off to cincinnati, oh to see my big sister, her hubby and my beautiful niece, cass. cass is almost a year old and is just the happiest baby i've ever met. we stuffed ourselves with indian food and watched "the devil wears prada". i had started the audiobook version of the book but was having a hard time making it through due to the narrator's annoying voice. was glad to see the movie. was enjoyable. brought back many memories of my days in nyc as an assistant to a powerful woman although kk was *nothing* like the dragonlady.

today started with a lovely walk through the neighborhood with the baby & the dogs. was starting to get hot but wasn't sweltering yet. after indian leftovers for lunch, my sister, cass and i headed off to the clinton neighborhood of cinci. met up with my aunt lisa for a quick beer and then were headed back to the house because cass needed a nap! she let us know the whole way home how unpleased she was that we weren't there yet. will be headed back to aunt lisa's tomorrow am to watch the debates and enjoy some bloody marys before i head back to nashville for a couple more days.

i'll head home on tuesday pm and arrive back in pdx around midnight. robyna comes from atlanta on thursday to spend the weekend. what a great week and a half of seeing some of my favorite ladies. the party will just continue . . .

southern hospitality

there are parts of the south that i adore and, for obvious reasons, other parts that i abhor. i feel fortunate that i have enough *family* still left here to be able to visit and remember both parts.

having arrived in nashville yesterday to a wall of humidity hitting me as soon as i stepped off the plane (one of the many parts i abhor), today i'm reminded of one of the parts i adore ... sitting on a porch drinking coffee under a ceiling fan (yes, it's part of the charm) and welcoming the day. have been up for several hours sitting in the basically the same spot. the hours have been filled with conversation and catching up, drinking coffee (which i'm sure i'll regret later), smoking cigarettes, reading, and now blogging. what more could i ask for from a vacation?

last night bd made my favorite meal and it was scrumptious. i gorged myself as expected. my body definitely needs some vegetables today. i ate more fried food yesterday than i had in years. it all started with chick-fil-a. one of my favorite fast food restaurants which i still must frequent when i visit the south despite my having to check my politics at the door. the chicken sandwich with pickles and a sweet tea still call my name. after running a few errands, we returned to the porch for an afternoon of drinking gin & tonics (a tradition for us) and more catching up. then it was time to cook dinner. the double battering with buttermilk of cube steaks and chicken tenders and then the deep frying of these lovely morsels. the mashed potatoes ... truly mashed with the skins still on ... were decadent. grilled corn on the cob that just speaks of summer. so tasty and so filling ... and i'm *so* paying for it today. my portland-accustomed body is not used to that amount of grease in one day!

today we're about to motivate to go venture out in the world. i need to see more of this great town. we'll be visiting the VU campus, the country music hall of fame, and then off to a honky tonk later to kick up our heels.

for now, i'd be pretty happy to sit on this porch under this fan with my favorite people for the rest of the day ...

on the road again . . .

tonight i leave for a trip to see 3 of the most amazing women in my life. my first stop is in nashville, tn ... home to the grand ole opry and many many honky tonks. i am going to visit the woman who gets the most credit for my political education, bd. had the pleasure of meeting her at a point in my life where i wasn't sure what i was doing or where i was going. i was a naïve 22 year old and had no idea what women's studies meant or why anyone would need to study it. needless to say, after many nights on her front porch drinking gin & tonics, i saw the light. i ended up changing my thesis topic and shuffling my committee so she could be on it. and the rest, as they say, is herstory. bd lives in nashville with her beau now and teaches at vanderbilt where i'm sure she's blowing students' minds like she did mine.

she's made the last few trips out to portland so i figured it was high time i hopped on a plane and went to see what nashville was all about. i'll spend 3 days there and then head off to cincinnati, oh. i know, i know, why would anyone plan a trip to those 2 cities in the heat of summer. well, i'm not sure but i did!

there i'll get to visit my big sister from college and meet my niece. my sister has known me since i was 18 years old and we were hustling boys at pool! people really thought we were sisters so it just stuck. almost a year ago, after much trying, she & her hubby (the cutest man ever) had my niece, cass. i figured i'd better go meet her before she hit her 1st bday. so i've got a suitcase full of presents so i can spoil my little girl. am so happy to visit now because my sis is preggers again – twins this time. yikes. can't believe that very soon she'll have 3 kids under 18 mos in the house. god bless her ...

i'll also get to visit my aunt lisa. she was *almost* a prof of mine. bd used to teach at the university of cincinnati and knew lisa from there. over the years i got to know her as well. after i'd graduated from my master's program, i considered going to uc to do a joint degree program they have that gets you a master's in women's studies and a juris doctor in 4 yrs. alas, it wasn't meant to be as i never got into the law school (lsats be damned) and i met my ex and ended up in nyc and later here in portland. we've kept in touch over the years and she's just a goddess to me.

i'll be in cincy till sunday and then head back to nashville for a few more days before coming home on tues pm. am looking forward to getting outta town and having some fun. i've been promised my favorite meal by bd – who's an awesome cook – of chicken fried steak, gravy, mashed potatoes and greens! yum! mouth's watering already. i've also been promised a visit to a real deal honky tonk! yee haw.

work's been nuts so i'm looking forward to *unplugging* for a week. it'll also be good to let things cool with star for a few days. i'm totally smitten and i think she is too. i had lunch with her today and brought her flowers at work. she thanked me for them and rewarded me with a kiss that made me wish it could go on forever. i'm sure i'll talk to her while i'm gone. hope we'll be able to make some plans for when i get back. time's ticking down ... only 6 weeks left till she leaves.

reports from the road soon . . .

indulgence & desire

so last night was totally unexpected. had a lovely evening planned for myself and friends. a dear friend of mine, osha, is a wonderfully talented massage therapist and just graduated from acupuncture school. she'd offered me a treatment for my birthday several months back and we just hadn't had a free moment to schedule it. well, we persisted and i was able to get on her schedule last night after work. what a glorious way to end a tough week. i walked 3 blks to osha's house and spent 1.5 hrs in total bliss. my stomach started to growl during the treatment and osha had some food so we had a snack and then i was off to meet my friend, cg, at a local wine bar for a tasting of 6 oregon pinot noirs. we've been doing regular tastings a wine bar in her 'hood on saturday nights so we decided to switch it up and try a friday night tasting up in my 'hood. enjoyed the tasting and the company. on our way out, i got a txt msg from star asking what i was up to. she said she was meeting friends in about an hour and asked if i wanted to join. i convinced cg that she should join us so we headed back to my place to hang out in the backyard to wait for the call as star wasn't certain where we were going or even when. had a nice time hanging out in the yard and cg decided she was too tired to join so she headed home. i got a txt from star that i should come pick her up if it would keep me *motivated* to go out. i don't think i've ever gotten dressed to go out so quickly. i think i got her her place in less than 30 mins. we headed downtown to meet up with folks for a night at the gay boy bars. i had forgotten how much fun they are. queens really do know how to party. we had a great time dancing the night away.

ended up meeting some friends at the oregon brewers festival on the waterfront for a few hours this afternoon. we have a great brewfest every year with many beers that i couldn't find otherwise. tasted a bourbon barrel abbey dubbel from flying fish brewing that tasted like having a beer chaser on a good glass of bourbon. after tasting 10 different beers, i headed home. hung out with the dog in the backyard for awhile and napped on the couch.

ended up meeting cg and her girl for another tasting tonight. had some good stuff and hung out for quite awhile. went to double down to dance and see star for a bit. ran into some folks i know and danced to some good music but the music was a bit inconsistent so i wasn't totally into it. i headed home around midnight to get some rest.

meeting a friend for brunch tomorrow am before i meet up with star for coffee. looking forward to it since i haven't seen my friend in awhile. gotta get some housework done and maybe some yard work too. dix called earlier to see if i wanted yard work help tomorrow. might take her up on it. gotta get some packing thought about for my trip.

looking forward to seeing bd and my big sister. get to meet my niece who's almost a year old. i gave her her middle name and she'll soon be a big sister to twins. crazy. looking forward to nashville and the honky tonks. gotta remember to pack boots ... if i could find myself a cowgirl, it might be the perfect trip.

outdoor concerts are grand

last night was a perfect summer night here in pdx. our local zoo puts on a summer concert series each year. the zoo has a great set up with an amphitheater stage with a big lawn tucked in between the elephants and the primates. they sell beer/wine and have some food vendors but they allow you to bring your own food (just no outside alcohol - unless you're sneaky like me!). folks bring blankets and picnics and enjoy some great music in a great venue. the bigger the crowd the better for me.

over the past several years, i've had the pleasure of seeing some great artists. a sampling would include the gipsy kings, the indigo girls (with girlyman opening), suzanne vega/marc cohn, and zap mama. on friday night, anunce, mfp and her sis and some other friends went to see patty griffin. what a fantastic show. the weather had been crappy during the day but it stopped raining long enough for the show. last night was los lobos. they're so great. the show was sold out and we found a great little spot under a tree near the back. felt like we were in a fort. had a good spread laid out with some fresh tomato salad and some goat brie with a crusty baguette. of course, mfp managed to get her flask taken away and get busted for smoking outside the designated area within 5 mins of each other. too funny.

our next zoo concert will be rodrigo y gabriela on august 31st. am very excited to see them live. will provide a report after that show.

ah, summer

summer is my favorite time of year. there's always a reason to sit outside and just shoot the shit with friends. last night was just one of those occasions. sweets and i went to visit some friends who just bought a house. was a great night to sit on their front porch and drink a few beers and catch up. was lots of fun. though i have to remember to pour myself into bed before midnight on school nights. i'm not as young and spry as i used to be.

the other reason i love summer is the tour de france! every summer, for 3 solid weeks, i get up around 530a to catch the live coverage of that day's stage. this year's tour has been quite exciting. the pre-race favourite has been expelled from the race after some exciting stage wins and crashes. the last few days in the pyrenees the top 2 riders have been going shoulder-to-shoulder. there haven't been many crashes but there's still been plenty of doping scandal. so fun to watch. someday i'd like to go to france during that time and just watch them whizz by. we're getting down to the wire on the tour so my obsession will soon go back into hibernation until next july.

addictive behaviour

why is it that when you meet a new person, you feel like an addict? you can't get enough of them. you want to see them all the time. you would rather talk or see them than just about anything in the world. and when that new person can't/doesn't want to see you, it's heart-breaking. you feel like an obsessed freak. it's so fucking hard.

i hadn't thought about it this way until the new person in my life was talking to a friend of mine on sunday night. it is like an addiction. i'm kinda glad i can't see her as much as i'd like because i'm sure i'd smother her like i've done with others. but damn, do i want to see her & kiss her & make love to her again.

as one ends, another begins

i sit here tonight just giddy. i didn't think it was possible to feel this way again. i can't believe it's been 6 mos since my relationship ended. just unbelievable how easily a life together unravels and a new life begins. i've been living on my own for 3 mos now and i'm starting to settle in. i've re-established relationships with friends i'd lost touch with. am reminding myself how to be alone and comfortable with the quiet and silence. am reconnecting with myself and starting to enjoy my own company. starting to feel good again.

a couple of weeks ago i met a girl that took my breath away as soon as i saw her. was introduced to her by a mutual friend at a dance party and have not been able to shake the visions of her in my head since. she's quite the woman and is definitely intriguing. she has taken hold of my thoughts in a way i have not experienced in quite some time. she leaves for germany for a year in exactly 2 mos. could be the best thing but could also be heart-breaking. we'll have to see where it goes in the next 2 mos. for now, i'm enjoying getting to know her. she's a bit guarded which is probably a built-in safety hatch for me and i'm sure why i'm intrigued by her. she spent the night after a long night of flirting via text message about a month ago. i helped her move 2 weeks later with several other friends. hadn't really seen her for a few weeks but still couldn't shake the thought of her. the feel of her in my arms as i fall asleep every night. wanting to see her and talk to her and maybe finally kiss her. i let her take the lead and was just patient.

the last week or so she'd been angling for an invite to a bbq and i finally obliged by inviting her to sunday dinner at my house last night. i figured she wanted to meet my friends before going out with me and i agreed it might be a good way to let her see how genuine i really am in my own environment. was a fun evening and the girls, well most of them ;-), headed home around 11p. it was a school night after all.

i really like her. i like how she makes me feel. i like who i want to be when i'm with her. i don't feel like i have to put on an act around her. feel like i can just be me. given that i'm just trying to figure out who that is, it's nice to be around someone with no expectations and preconceptions about you. i think she likes me too but is uncertain given the tumultuousness of her life right now. she's moved out of her apt of 3 yrs and is living with a friend until she leaves for germany. has sold her car. is still working on her master's degree coursework. is temping until she leaves. and i'm certain she doesn't want to get into anything serious right now. i'm not sure i want anything serious either - but i would love to spend time with her and get to know her more until she leaves. i want to talk to her, and hold her, and kiss her, and make her dinner, and and and . . .

i didn't get anything done at work today because all i could think about was the way i felt last night when i was with her. very peaceful and calm and at ease. no games, no anything. just two people enjoying each other. my co-worker, z, said i looked "giddy". i was! i felt like a teenager again. so tingly and giddy and excited about the possibilities that lie ahead for me . . . both with her and for myself. it felt good to feel whole and sexual and sexy again. i wasn't sure if i would ever feel that way again. if i ever *could* feel that way again. i feel so sure of myself when she's around. i feel sure of who i am and what i want.

it's been a long road for me to find myself. and i know that the goal is not to necessarily rely on someone else to make you feel good about yourself. i don't think that's the case here. i feel that she's so very clear about her priorities and self-needs that it's inspiring to be around. she apologized as we got out of the car on sunday about not calling me for a party on saturday night and my immediate response was "i wasn't sitting around waiting for you to call and i never will". she said, "good, i think that's why we get along." it's pretty exemplary of my attraction to her. she likes me (at least i think she does) and she knows who she is. i told her pretty early that i didn't have time to play games and i wasn't into bullshit. i'm too old and tired for games. i'd rather this not go anywhere and her be honest with me than to keep having sex with me and me not know how she feels...honestly feels.

Introduction

So I'm finally getting around to posting something to this blog. I'm not sure if I'll keep this up to date or just use it as my own archive of items I want to remember. We'll see how time allows. It might just be my place to review my random thoughts. Hell, it could end up being reviews of the latest beer i've tried. Guess we'll see what comes of this . . .